I want to share with you some ideas about a very important aspect of grief and loss - rebuilding your life. Whether we want it to or not, this process begins immediately, following the death of a loved one.
When you lose that one person you can't live without, the pain is unbearable. That person with whom you built a life and a relationship is now physically unavailable, and the nurturing and sustenance you relied on is gone. Languor settles over you that is beyond sadness, and the first pangs of grief are born.
In the center of a crisis, your new life begins. Decision-making becomes an exclusive responsibility, without the counsel of the person whose wisdom you cherish. Have you sat and wondered what that person would advise about a particular situation? Has an idea popped into your head that is "so like" your loved one? Holding fast to every aspect of that person is all you can think about. But there is no opportunity for dialogue, for the exploring of ideas. You reach for a steady hand, and realize you are alone.
The practicality of life is that things have to get done. Schedules for work, family, or personal interests are on clipboards or computers, scraps of paper, or in our heads, and we respond to their demands. "I have to be somewhere in a half hour", "I have a meeting tonight", "the kids need a ride" rule our lives. Then someone dies and none of it matters. It pales by comparison, except that commitments have been made and responsibilities need to be met.
We begin making decisions immediately. Some things can't wait, and so we shoot from the hip. We are beginning to build a new life before we're ready, and without much thought or expert advice. Our new life is happening by accident.
How do we, then, begin to build a life by design? Let's look at four considerations that can become the blueprint for a new life.
1. Imperatives What must be addressed now? Money matters, medical issues, legal situations, children, housing are all items that need immediate attention.
Ask experts and/or professionals for good, solid advice. Here is where well-meaning friends and relatives may not know what's best for you. Their experiences may have nothing in common with yours. Thank them politely, and then listen to the experts.
2. Keepsakes Consider carefully what you want to keep from your relationship with your loved one. What sustains you, what do you cherish that needs to be tucked away in your treasure chest?
Your treasured keepsakes will help you decide how to re-order your life. Think deeply about each one, remember its significance, and determine how to include its core value in any decisions you make. For example: a shared interest in music may encourage you to continue to buy season tickets to the symphony, using the second ticket to invite a friend or family member to join you.
3. Change Major changes (job, residence) should be given a lot of thought, and the rule of thumb is to wait a year for important decisions, but you can start to explore possibilities.
Taking up a new hobby or joining a special interest group that appeals to you is ideal, now that you are alone. The personal growth will be stimulating and positive, and meeting new people enables you to better manage the sense of isolation that comes with grief.
4. Dream Allow yourself to dream new dreams. Designing a new life will be awkward. You didn't plan it or ask for this event in your life. But it has happened, and moving forward affirms that living fully can occur even though we are alone. The memories of loving and being loved created an individual with a sense of the goodness and sustainability of a purposeful life.
Be encouraged as you move forward and struggle to rebuild your life. My life's design included all of the above considerations, not always in order, but carefully crafted as to my well-being and growth. Seek wisdom and support from others, and give freely.
Source by Judy Strong